I had a congregate who suffered from schizophrenia calling me four to five times a day. He was always in high gear. There were always problems, serious problems. He had my phone number, and he knew how to use it. I needed a firmer boundary. I finally said with a firm voice, “You can call me once a day and that’s it. No more.” He completely stopped calling. For a week. Then he started calling once a day.

Most of us are terrible about setting boundaries. As a pastor, Friday was my day off and for over twenty years, I probably took Friday off a dozen times. The problem wasn’t my work load. The problem was my boundaries. I couldn’t say “no” to more work.

Boundaries are like closing a door. There are times you need to be alone – to work, to read, to think, to sleep, to pout. We all need some space, and no one is going to give you space. You have to create it. You have to own it. You have to protect it.

Think about your space as land you own. I’m going to give you seven signs to post on your property that informs people of your boundaries.

Seven Signs to Post That Create Healthy Boundaries

1. No Trespassing

A mother in our church brought in her new baby. I love babies and love to hold babies. I picked her up, held her close, and whispered in her ear, “No.” Softly I repeated, “No.” Then a third chorus, “No.” I told her mom, “I’m afraid she won’t hear this at home so I want to make sure she understands the concept.” That very well may be the last time that little girl heard the word.

People won’t just assume you have boundaries. You need to let them know. Those of us who are pleasers never think to say “No”. I want to challenge you to start saying it at least once a day. If you aren’t used to saying this, it’s going to hurt. Your head may explode. People around you will act like you just cursed because just like curse words, they have never heard this word come out of your mouth.

I don’t remember who said it, but someone said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say “no” to almost everything.”

Even Jesus was fine with “No”. He said in the Sermon on the Mount, “Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” Don’t say yes and mean no. Say “no” to someone today.

2. For Sale

I’m overcommitted. You probably are too. You help with the Middle School marching band. You volunteer at the soup kitchen. You take your mother-in-law to dialysis. You serve in the worship band at church. You took on an extra responsibility at work. You are on the board of a non-profit. You lead a Bible study. You know you aren’t doing a great job at any of them.

When you have too many commitments, you aren’t able to protect your time and resources well enough. You probably need to release three responsibilities right now to create some healthy space. I can already hear your arguments.

• “I made a commitment.”
• “They really need me.”
• “I’ve only got 2 years left to serve.”

Here is my challenge to you. Write down three commitments you would release if you could. If you are being coached about this, create an action plan to release them over the next two to three months.

3. Holy Ground

I have a client who has a strong morning routine. She is a dynamic leader and much of that energy comes out of an early morning prep, which includes some exercise and some devotion. She recently had a friend call her early and needed a favor. She was clear that she was glad to help a friend, but she didn’t want this to become a habit. How on earth do you say “No” to a friend who truly needs a favor?

As a good coach, I didn’t tell her what to do. I helped her explore the space and generate some options. Her realization was that this early morning time was sacred. It had to be protected at all costs if she wanted to continue to be this effective.

I heard a famous writer saying that her routine was to start early in the morning and write. She had two young school-age daughters, but she refused to see them in the morning. Her writing time was sacred. No one could tread on it.

Some parts of your life have to be sacred. They are uninterruptible. For me, devotional time in the morning and dinner time with my family are holy ground. I would like exercise time and writing time to become sacred as well. I am using coaching to try and make that happen.

4. No Dumping

I was coaching an irritated pastor who was frustrated that every Sunday morning someone wanted to discuss a problem with him right before the service. This is a really common problem. We worked on the idea that the service itself was so sacred (“Holy Ground”) that the pastor really needed to protect this time for himself. For this client, that feeling wasn’t strong enough to cause him to say a much needed “no”.

So we came up with this phrase, “This sounds really important. Right this minute, I can’t give it the attention it needs. So let’s set something up during the week.”

Say “no” by communicating the importance of the other person’s issue. By doing this, you aren’t saying “no” as much as you are affirming the issue’s importance. Don’t let people dump problems onto your space. There is an appropriate entrance for problems.

5. No Cell Phone Use

The best advice I ever got for being a pastor was don’t answer the phone when you’re eating dinner with your family. What if it’s an emergency? It very rarely is. And even if it is, it can wait 15 minutes.

There is always a crisis. There is always a problem. Jesus Christ Himself didn’t get hung up on that. He did what he could without sacrificing time for Himself and without sacrificing time with those He loved.

The person on the phone probably isn’t as important as what is right in front of you. I feel that way every time I’m in a line and the clerk answers the phone while people stand in a line right in front of him. The same is true for email. There is hardly any way that what is in that email is more important than what you already know you should be doing.

The stronger your leadership, the less available you should become.

6. Don’t Feed the Animals

A client of mine is on a board that he shouldn’t be on (“For Sale”). The board passes out raffle tickets and expects every member to sell 10 tickets. This is not the time to say, “I’m not selling these stupid tickets.” It is a time to take your 10 tickets, and then completely ignore them until it is time to turn them back in. Then feign innocence, “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t get to that.”

This should be your last option. You should first learn how to set clear and healthy boundaries, and I’ve given you five good ways already. But if you are given a task by a superior that is totally unreasonable and you have tried the other ways to say “no,” sometimes you just have to let the ball drop and ignore it.

You know people who do this all the time. They irritate the snot out of you, but secretly you wish you could do the same. You can. But don’t make this your primary boundary defense.

7. Trespassers Will Be Shot

A client brought me the topic of “Should we participate in this event next year?” His major complaints were a lack of communication and a lack of commitment on the part of others in the group. As an observant coach, I surmised that we would end the conversation with either a yes or a no.

As we explored the situation, I quickly realized he was totally unwilling to say “no”. This is where coaching gets interesting. I was pretty direct. “You said you wanted to decide whether to continue in this ministry or not. But you don’t appear to have any intention of ever saying no. In fact, I’ve observed that in other areas of your life as well. What’s going on with that?”

If a leader is being abusive or if other parties are not keeping their commitments, you have to be willing to end the relationship. If you aren’t at least willing, it is unlikely that anything will ever change.

I was taught early that “Winners never quit,” but that is an overused statement. I know lots of people who quit unproductive situations and then quickly became very productive. Don’t be loyal to a fault. Some relationships need to end, and they need to end today.

Conclusion:

You need boundaries to be healthy, and no is going to put signs up for you on your property. And the excuse of “people ought to know better” is exactly that – an excuse to not have to put up signs. People won’t like you less because you have boundaries. In fact, some people will like you more because your life won’t be as chaotic.

Jesus had boundaries. There was a woman he said he wouldn’t heal. He disappeared for long periods of time to refresh without telling anyone where he was going. He refused to speak when commanded by Pilate.

Pick at least one of these signs up today and post it where everyone can see it.

In the comments below, write down the sign that stands out to you.