“Why Conversations Are Transformational Currency”

Yesterday, while I was running sound at church, Jerry came up to me, pointed at the prayer list, and said, “Hey, I wanted to tell you, Michael passed away last week.” I looked at him for a moment and then kind of blurted, “Why are you telling me this?” I grabbed my bulletin to see if this was the week that I was the prayer pastor. I wasn’t. 

Jerry answered my question, “Because you’re sitting where Kenny usually sits, and I always tell Kenny.” Once I understood the context, I told Jerry that I was sorry to hear of Michael’s passing. Truthfully, I had no idea who Michael was, but I assumed Jerry felt compelled to tell me for a reason. Jerry went on and told me about his friendship with Michael and some of the highlights he experienced.

Jerry needed to transform. He was grieving, not just the loss of this man, but come to find out, he was grieving lots of loss, which most of us are as well. He didn’t need me to do anything or explain anything. He just needed me to listen, which I did. Jerry left the conversation a little different, a little lighter.

That wasn’t just communication. Something shifted.

Conversations are more than communication. You can communicate without transformation. For transformation to occur, you must exchange meaning, truth, and connection. Coaching captures all three. This is why I believe that whether you want to be a legitimate coach or just someone who has transformational conversations, learning to coach is crucial.

Transformational Conversations are Meaningful

My friend, and director of CAM Japan, Motoki Asai describes modern coaching as focused on “meaning-making, identity, and narrative – not just achieving goals.” Coaching should expand the meaning in the client’s story, even as it applies to the issue of the day. 

I like to often ask, “What makes this important to you today?” That question will unlock the meaning hidden behind the issue.

Thinking back about a few coaching conversations that at first seemed to have no meaning, one started with “I want to know what to pack for my next trip.” Another was about an employee that didn’t show due respect to his boss. After unpacking the meaning, the first conversation was about confidence. The second was about the importance of communicating expectations. 

We don’t know what a conversation is really about until we understand its meaning. And often, the other person doesn’t know yet either. Our job is to help uncover it. That’s when transformation begins. 

Transformational Conversations are Honest

Honest does not mean brutal. When someone asks, “Can I be honest?”, you need to brace yourself. What I mean by being honest is that we share a layer of truth in the conversation. A great coach tells the kind of truth that helps people move forward. 

I’m helping my daughter coach 2nd grade girls softball, and after practice, one of the girl’s grandmothers shared how difficult the child’s situation was. She said, “I’m trying to give her some good answers for why things are the way they are.” I injected some honesty. “Sometimes there aren’t good answers.”

When a person can pull back from giving answers and just shed some light on the situation, lives are transformed. If there is one coaching skill more important than listening and evoking awareness, it might be learning to tell the truth.

Transformational Conversations are Connected

The first thing God told us was “not good” was to be alone. We are better together, more resilient and more joyful. Talking spreads the load a bit. We weren’t meant to carry difficulty by ourselves. The mature coach connects without taking over. Possibility begins when we stop seeing a problem to fix and start seeing a person to understand. 

Sometimes connection sounds like, “I’m here with you. You don’t have to figure this out alone.” 

I watched a new pastor lead his first service. He was really nervous and stumbled over most of his readings. Later, he was kicking himself for his poor performance. I told him to lighten up. The people he was trying to reach would have been less connected had he been totally polished. It was his willingness to appear despite his nerves that endeared him to the congregation.

It is that not-so-subtle reminder for the coach that we are not going on the journey with our client. We’ll talk. They will leave. And their work will remain their responsibility. And yet, our ability to be fully present transformed the conversation.

Conclusion

Jerry needed to tell somebody that Michael had passed. Kenny is almost always in the sound seat, and he was at one time the pastor of the church. I hadn’t realized that my job that morning wasn’t simply to push the volume of the harmony singers so that they could be heard. I was also there to have transformational conversations.

You need conversations that are meaningful enough to matter, honest enough to reveal truth, and connected enough to actually reach someone. 

Meaning creates motivation.
Truth creates clarity.
Connection powers the process.

Coaching skills matter whether the conversation is scheduled or happens because you’re sitting in Kenny’s seat. 

Which of these do you tend to avoid—meaning, honesty, or connection? That’s probably where your next breakthrough is.