Glenda sent me emails that should have started, “Dear Sherlock,” because they required incredible detective work just to figure out what the email was about. Conversations can be like that too. What are we trying to accomplish, if anything? Sometimes it’s good to have a conversation about nothing. But when we want a conversation to move something ahead, it helps to know what that something is.

A good model for emails is to state the purpose in the first paragraph. People are skimmers in conversations as well. My wife questions my hearing, and she’s right that I don’t hear as well as I used to, but often it has more to do with focus than hearing.

Focus shifts when I know what we’re talking about.

Conversations are imprecise. When someone sits down to talk to you, you may be overestimating their preparedness if you assume they know exactly what they want to work on. They probably haven’t worked that out yet. Then why did they sit down? Something triggered it. An idea. A feeling. A need. Boredom.

Instead of being irritated by the lack of a clear topic, you can set yourself apart by helping clarify it. Trying to focus on a not yet stated or discovered topic is frustrating. But helping someone discover the topic gives you something useful to focus on right away.

Start with a Starter What

“What do you want to work on today?” There is a strong chance they are not ready to answer that question. They know what happened or what has been bothering them. They may need a few minutes of conversation to figure out which part deserves their attention. Your frustration can be a trigger for you to be helpful in an unexpected way.

The trigger gives us a place to begin. So we ask some questions. “What makes this important?” Or, “What would you like to be true about the situation?” Or perhaps, “How would someone else describe the issue?” Ask one, listen, and let the answer guide your next question. In your mind, you can see the circle expand away from the trigger until suddenly the topic pops into view.

My favorite question is “What makes this important?” That often gets us to the what more quickly. Then you can linger on a word that stands out in their description. I remember a client saying they wanted to develop their staff. I asked, “What do you hope to gain from development?” We needed to understand what he hoped development would accomplish.

His full topic was only a few steps away. He wanted his staff to feel supported by him.

Continue with an Eventual What

Once we agree on the topic, there is a second agreement to make: what would the person like to take away from this conversation? Coaching helps people get from where they are to where they want to go. But we need to distinguish the change they hope to see eventually from the progress they can make while we’re talking.

Wanting staff to feel supported gives us a topic. It doesn’t yet tell us what would make today’s conversation useful. Someone with that topic might want to identify what support looks like or decide how to ask their staff what they need. Those are different conversations. We need to find out which one they want.

This is where I see new coaches struggle. They feel it is their job to identify the eventual what. You can feel their awkwardness as they thrust forward toward a murky goal that begins to feel like leading. If you choose the destination, it is no surprise that you start steering the client toward it. You may be headed somewhere they never intended to go.

How can you know? Simple. Ask them what they want to take away from this conversation.

I use a related question with my staff all the time, even if I’m not coaching. “How can I best help?” That clarifies what they need from me. They may want my input. They may want to know my credit card number. Maybe I was the only one available at the time. (I may have to find a better place to hide.)

Finish with an Action-Oriented What

Coaching should help people do something with what they discover. I want the client to leave with greater understanding and stronger motivation to move the issue forward. Then I want us to get specific: “What will you do next?”

As a client, this is my least favorite part. I’d rather talk. Explore. Dream. Deconstruct. I can leave pleased with everything I discovered and never do anything differently. That is why a coach needs to leave enough time to help the client turn discovery into a well-developed, well-supported plan.

The client chooses the action. We help them think it through. What will they do? When will they do it? Who could help? A decision to reflect further can be useful, but even then, it helps to decide when and how that reflection will happen.

They came in because of a trigger. They should leave with a new trigger, one that reminds them to take the planned action. This could be a calendar entry or a string tied around their big toe. Whatever it is, the reminder should bring them back to what they decided when the rest of life starts competing for their attention. Make sure to leave enough time in the conversation to tie the string.

Conclusion

You can use this from either side of the conversation. When you want someone’s help, give a little extra thought to why you want to talk with them. Ask yourself before you sit down, “What do you want? How can this person best help?” Then tell them the answer to both questions right at the start. That’s not good coaching; that’s good clienting. You don’t have to arrive with everything figured out. Even saying, “I need help figuring out what I’m asking,” gives the other person a useful place to begin.

And when someone comes to you, you can learn to help them find their way through the three whats. There are skills and models. There are places to practice. That is what we do at CAM. We teach empowering conversations, also known as coaching. We’d love to help you start or further your coaching journey.