In a previous post, I mentioned some reasons we coaches resist coaching family members. In this post, let’s look at some positive ways to do just that.

So first things first, let’s be clear that I am not talking about family members who are paying coaching clients. If you can pull that off, let me know and you can write the next post! Instead, I’m
talking about using coaching informally with those closest to you in order to improve your relationship and improve the life of the family member who’s on the other side of the conversation.  I’ve been coaching professionally for over a decade and in that time I have had hits and misses when it comes to coaching family members. Along the way, I’ve picked up some key practices for  coaching family members effectively. Here are my top six practices:

1. Believe in your family. The ICF states that coaches believe all clients are “creative, resourceful and whole.” While I tend to interpret “whole” as “they don’t need me to fix them,” I think this belief concerning those we coach is absolutely essential. I also think it’s often the most challenging barrier for coaching family. We see family members at their best and worst and this makes it tough to approach them as creative, resourceful people who don’t need us to fix them. I try to remember that every coaching client I work with is someone’s family member, so they are no more creative and resourceful than my family.
2. Know when NOT to coach. A big distinction between informal coaching and formal coaching is that formal coaching involves a person coming to you requesting coaching; you both know this is  a coaching opportunity. When it comes to coaching family members, you have to spot the opportunities. This also means you have to spot when not to coach. We coaches are experienced spotting whether a person is coachable; when it comes to family members we have to know if we are able to coach. I find that I have to be very honest with myself about how high my agenda is for the topic at hand in order to discern whether this is a coachable moment or not.
3. Upgrade your listening. When it is time to take a coach approach with a family member, the place to start is with your ears more so than with your mouth. I find that if I start with coaching questions, it’s way too easy to ask leading questions and not really coach. And even when I ask curious, open coaching questions, the family member is often so conditioned by my tendency to tell, that he or she misinterprets the question as a form of telling or leading. So I have to start with listening – lots and lots of listening. When I do open my mouth, it’s to reflect back what I have heard and to help my family member clarify what he or she is thinking.
4. Weave coaching questions into your conversation. Go easy with the questions. Too many questions, even good ones, can feel like an interrogation. Instead, weave them in amidst lots of active
listening. And when you do ask them, be sure to use the word “you” a lot. Using “you” in your questions can send the strong signal that you expect the family member to do the thinking, creating, deciding. For instance, ask something like, “So what do you think is a good solution?” instead of “So what’s a good solution?” And do not, under any circumstances, ask for their thoughts and then dismiss what they share. I’ve committed this sin too many times and it is hard to recover from.
5. Be sensitive when it comes to designing actions. When you help a family member come up with actions for their issue, too much pressure or persistence can come off the wrong way – as if you are forcing them to do something. This is where I have found a well-placed close-ended question to come in handy. Something like, “Do you want to do something about this?” can get you
both on the same page concerning how motivated and committed the person is to doing something about the issue. If he or she responds with, “No, because I don’t know what to do,” then you don’t have to drop it there. You can say, “How about I ask you some questions to help you figure this out? If you come up with something you like, then you can do something. If not, at least
you will have thought it through.” But all along the way, you likely will need to reinforce that you don’t care what they come up with or even if they come up with something – you just care about them.
6. Ask permission to form a coaching partnership. Coaching works best within a strong partnership. If only the coach is invested in the partnership, there will be limited results. But how do you partner with you child or your spouse for coaching? I find that I don’t need to partner in order to listen well. But if I want to support through coaching questions and help the person move to  action, some level of explicit partnership is necessary. With my wife, often this starts with me asking something like, “So how do you want me to support you right now? Do you want me to just keep listening, or to join you in problem solving, or to offer advice or to draw out solutions from you or what? I’m fine with whatever you want.” With my kids, it usually sounds different, along the lines of, “This sounds like something you can solve if you give it some attention. Would you like me to help you focus on this for a few minutes so you can figure it out?” If they respond with, “No,” then I try to not take it personally and just ask, “Okay, so what would you like?”

These are my key practices; another great resource for coaching your children is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman in which Gottman explores a parenting style called emotion coaching. The book doesn’t address every parenting situation, but does offer a helpful approach to those times when your child is experiencing strong emotions (and you want to fix them or make them stop!).  What about you? What practices or resources have you found helpful when it comes to coaching close family members? Leave a comment and share what you’ve learned.