Don’t you just hate saying goodbye? Whether it’s the kids leaving after a visit, or a dying parent…. a business relationship or a personal one. We hate having to say goodbye. I think it must be in our nature to crave relationship (something Biblical about that) and as one comes to an end (even temporarily) it can be so difficult. It’s true in our coaching relationships too….we hate saying goodbye….whether it be at the end of the agreed-upon engagement or a recognition that things aren’t working well…. And though it is difficult, it is sometimes (maybe most of the time) the very thing that is needed most.

What are some of the reasons for saying goodbye to a coaching client/relationship? Well, it seems to me that the reasons fall within one of two categories:

• The goals of the coaching engagement have been accomplished
• The goals of the coaching engagement aren’t being accomplished

On the surface, these seem pretty straightforward, but let’s take a closer look at each of these reasons for ending a coaching relationship…and why we have such trouble doing so.

The first reason we might end a coaching relationship is because it worked! And worked well! Our client engaged us with a certain set of goals and we’ve helped them reach those goals. That seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it?

When I first learned about coaching, one of my mentors described it like this. “Coaches are trying to work themselves out of a job”. In other words, we are trying to build capacity in others rather than dependency on ourselves. This is the very heart of coaching. When we see our clients grow into the person/mindset/awareness they were looking for, it should be cause for celebration! After all, we set expectations that our clients would move forward, and they have!

So why, then, do we sometimes have difficulty ending those coaching relationships? What keeps us (or them) hanging on even after the goals have been met? My experience and observations have been that coaches miss either the money or the success.

Some coaches equate the end of a coaching relationship to the end of a source of revenue. We can sometimes focus too much on the client as part of our revenue stream and too little on the client as a person who has developed capacities to move forward on their own. We count the number of clients we have – and the revenue they bring in – and lose sight of the incredible growth that has taken place in their lives. It is certainly prudent to keep an eye on the financial side of your coaching practice, but please, please let me urge you to resist the temptation to see you clients more as a paycheck than as a person you’ve helped move to a new level of awareness and effectiveness. This focus on the revenue your client provides may be a sign of a “scarcity mentality”. Let me invite you to change your perspective to one of abundance. I have yet to find a coach who is focused their clients’ success more than their own financial success who hasn’t met their own financial goals in the process. We cannot ignore the financial side of our coaching practice, but if we keep it in proper perspective we find it easier to celebrate the end of a successful coaching engagement, rather than lamenting the loss of income.

Another reason we find it difficult to say goodbye to a client who has accomplished her/his goals is because we’ve become addicted to success. We so enjoy the growth and forward movement our clients are making, and we love knowing the part we have played, that we don’t want it to end. This is, for me, a more difficult situation than worrying about the financial loss. I LOVE seeing my clients succeed, and while ALMOST everything in me celebrates when I’ve “worked myself out of a job” because my client has built that capacity to soar into a great future, there is a little, tiny (mostly) part of me that wonders if I’ll get to experience that again. And it makes me not want to let go. In a way, this is another sign of a “scarcity mentality”. Rather than realize that there are plenty more successes to come with new clients, I can sometimes want to hang on to that last one.

If this sometimes describes you, let me tell you what I frequently tell myself….you can trust the coaching process…. you can trust your competencies as a coach…. you can trust your next client to be as engaged and successful as the last one…and most importantly, it’s NOT about you feeling successful, it’s about your client succeeding. You can certainly celebrate with them….but make sure you are celebrating THEIR success and not your own. It’s not easy to step on your own toes, but believe me when I tell you that’s what I’m doing with this admonition to you.

The other category for why we need at times to end a coaching relationship is a bit more awkward to deal with…and that is when the goals of the coaching engagement are NOT being accomplished. There are any number of reasons for why these goals are not being met:

• The client is not engaged
• The coach isn’t providing what the client needs to move forward
• Lack of chemistry between the coach and the client

Sometimes, the reason the coaching engagement is not getting the client where they want to go, is because of the client. Perhaps they entered into the coaching relationship without a clear motivation. Maybe they were assigned to work with a coach. Or they didn’t fully grasp what they were getting into.

Other times, the reason is because the coach just isn’t doing her/his job in helping the client with clarity, focus, and forward movement. Sometimes we don’t bring our best or we miss some key element that would have made the difference for the client.

Most often, I’ve found the reason is simply a bad fit – or lack of chemistry – between the coach and client. For whatever reason, the coach and the client are not geeing and hawing in a way that makes the coaching relationship productive.

Now, I will say that MOST of the time, the reason coaches give for a coaching relationship not moving forward with any progress is that the client isn’t “coachable”. They’ve determined that the problem in the coaching relationship is that the client has some deficiency that keeps them from being a good and successful client. When I hear those words come from a coach’s mouth it makes me want to pull my hair out (or theirs!).

If you’ve ever thought or said these words about one of your clients, I want you to repent right now! While it may be true that client’s MAY not bring their best to each coaching engagement, or may not have all the skill sets or experience, or whatever, to determine where they need to go and what they need to do to get there, if that is your reason for why a coaching relationship is not working well, then shame on you! I find that this excuse is driven more by a coach’s ego than by an honest assessment of a client’s capabilities.

OK, OK….I’ll climb back down off my high horse and offer this encouragement….while most of the time it’s not the client’s fault, it’s usually not the coach’s fault either.

Yes, sometimes coaches don’t bring their best and that has an effect on the coaching relationship…but MOST of the time, it’s simply a bad fit between the coach and client. For whatever reason, the coach doesn’t connect well with the client and their chemistry is off.

Perhaps the coach notices something that the client has said/done that gives the coach a sub-conscious negative impression – or vice versa – the client doesn’t respect the coach because of something that was said or done. We’re often not aware of the reason things just don’t work between a coach and client…but SOMETHING has passed between the two that have created some negative chemistry.

Let me urge you when this is the case….Say goodbye. Call it a day. Just name it and move on. There is nothing worse than holding on to a coaching relationship that is simply not working. Please don’t let your concern about money, or the feeling that you’ve failed, or any other reason keep you from simply recognizing that the relationship isn’t working and that the best thing you can do – for yourself and your client – is to end the relationship in a healthy way. I promise you, doing so will honor the client, preserve your own credibility as a coach, and ultimately, help your client find a coach better suited to help her/him move forward.

So, how can you end this type of coaching relationship in a healthy way? Well, first, don’t blame your client. Don’t think that your client must be “uncoachable” or in any way the cause for the relationship not working. Second, don’t blame yourself. Don’t think that since the relationship didn’t work that you must not be a good coach, or that coaching must not be a good tool, or that in any way there is any blame to be assigned. Third, as I said before, simply name it. Share your observations with your client. Use facts and not your interpretation of the facts. Don’t assign blame. Ask the client how they see things. Offer to help them find a coach that would be a better fit.  When you do so, you’ll build credibility for yourself and for coaching – and you’ll be setting your client up to succeed with another coach.

Saying goodbye is never easy…but it can be the very best thing you can do as a coach.