Conan O’Brien had faithfully hosted The Late Show for 16 years in hopes of achieving his childhood dream of hosting The Tonight Show. After only 9 months as the host, the powers at NBC decided to put Jay Leno back in the late night time slot and push Conan and The Tonight Show to after midnight.

O’Brien thought this sullied The Tonight Show and believed it was better to give the position back to Leno than to make The Tonight Show less than it was. Many people thought it was unfair and that Jay Leno was simply being selfish. This was a cynical view, though sometimes cynicism can be accurate.

God bless Conan O’Brien. On his last episode of The Tonight Show, Conan pleaded with young people not to be cynical, “It’s my least favorite trait.” He added, “If you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

Cynicism is the belief that people only act out of their own self-interest. The cynic disengages because they don’t believe people will show up at their best. It is a nasty virus and easy to catch, and the antidote is awareness.

Cynical Thinking # 1: The Client Doesn’t Want to Dig Deep

The client brings a topic with specific goals that must be achieved to get their desired outcome. When we ask the client where they are in the process, they fudge a bit. The client often answers, “Pretty good.” That response makes me cynical.

When I hear the response, “Pretty good,” I often make this statement: “’Pretty good’ often means I’m failing at many levels.” This is a reassurance that this is a safe place to self-reflect on the issue.

I don’t necessarily need to ask a deeper question; I just need to reassure the client they can respond deeper. Then, I get quiet and wait for the client to unpack the issue.

Cynical Thinking # 2: The Client Doesn’t Want to Hear Your Observation

Listening to the client, I hear something dissonant. One leader responding to why no one was stepping up for an important new position stated, “The 80/20 rule is as true in your church as it is in business.” This rule may be true, but at the same time, it is certainly cynical.

Many coaches make an observation internally but don’t think it is their place to tell the client. The non-cynical coach delivers the observation without judgment but also without sugar-coating: “The 80/20 rule may just be your culture. You can change a culture.”

A mature coach feels comfortable making such an observation. There is no judgment or competition. There is only challenge and discovery. It is the facilitation of a great conversation that encourages self-discovery at the deepest levels.

Cynical Thinking # 3: The Client Doesn’t Want to Take Action

Lots of clients don’t want to take action. They prefer talking about raw ideas. (I’m one of those clients.) Confrontation might be required of the client, and they hate confrontation so they will avoid it as much as possible.

The cynical coach gets frustrated when the client won’t plan any action, and this is where a lot of coaching goes wrong. The coach either gives up on planning action, or the coach tries to force the planning of action. These are both cynical reactions.

The client’s own cynicism needs to be challenged. They believe that whatever action they take will be fruitless. Sometimes what the client needs most is the reminder that something can change.

Conclusion:

Conan O’Brien directed his warning about cynicism to young people. I’m directing his warning to coaches. We can come to believe that nobody wants to do the hard work and that being kind is a waste of energy. Non-cynical coaching helps people move beyond their own self-interest and toward something larger.

When Conan got fired, he could easily have thought everything was downhill from there. Instead, he continued working hard and being kind, and just recently filled the iconic position of host of the Oscars. In some ways, the Tonight Show might have actually stunted his career.

Where are some areas you find yourself being cynical? Let me know. I’m curious.