Multiple times a day, someone says or does something that confuses me. I can find myself frustrated, inhibited, demotivated, and sometimes even angry. Their interaction can often feel deliberate, like they are purposely poking me, perhaps even giving an unspoken commentary on my very nature. The ability to navigate this common occurrence is critical to the achievement of your God-given purpose.

The secret to understanding is both innocuous and straightforward. No one is trying to demean you, except out of their own frustration with not understanding your statements or actions. People are different. This is the first and most important step in understanding others. It was the first lesson God gave Adam when He introduced him to his first relationship. She was different, and significantly so.

Multiple assessments break down people into four segments. People are complex. I understand that, but when you are trying to understand fundamental differences, we can easily categorize people into four categories of thinking, and by doing so, we don’t reduce them; we better understand them and can catalyze their thinking with our own.

As I work through the four categories, as an exercise, put some names in the category. And as I said, people are complex. They can shift from one category to another, but usually, they will stay in one of two, so you can still process their interaction.

Some People See Everything Through the RULE Lens

The rules are often unspoken but highly regarded. When this person sees or hears anything, the first thing they do is ask themselves if this action or statement adheres to the rules as they know them. When it does not conform, this person becomes immediately agitated to a degree that pauses everything else in the room.

The issue for this person is fairness. Their response will be filled with words of justice. It will sound like they not only disagree, but they believe punishment may be in order. They prefer systems, which are what truly make an organization efficient. Without a good number of RULE people, efficiency will fail.

Because their reaction is so strong, the other three categories of people will often respond inappropriately. The right response to a RULE person is to hear them. There is a good chance they are trying to save you a good deal of grief. And even when their response is unhelpful, they can move forward simply by being respectfully acknowledged.

Some People See Everything Through the RELATIONSHIP Lens

The primary goal of the RELATIONSHIP person is to ensure everyone gets along and feels good working together. They do not care about the rules if they cause division. When others are not considering people’s feelings, this person gets highly agitated and restricts the movements of others until the issue is resolved.

The issue for this person is feelings. Their response is filled with incredulity, wondering how you could be so insensitive. They are not moved by arguments of purpose or code. They need to know that everyone is loved and appreciated, even when the situation might call for a feeling of disgrace or urgency.

Each category will naturally respond differently to this person’s agitation. The right response to a RELATIONSHIP person is to hear them. They will not be satisfied unless you acknowledge the importance of healthy relationships. There is a good chance they will save you from a future grudge held against you. You do not have to change course, but you do need to acknowledge the importance of how people feel.

Some People See Everything Through the RIGHT NOW Lens

The RIGHT NOW personality likes immediate action. They do not care about relationships or rules if they impede the forward progress that could be made in the next few moments. When others try to slow them down or question their actions, they get highly agitated and often work harder to take their intended action.

The issue for this person is freedom. They do not like to be restricted and feel a personal offense at the question of their liberty. When they sense something needs to be done, they feel incomplete until the action is taken. They feel like the hero, who is often willing to do what others will not because they are restricted by their specific values.

All other categories of people will find a way to sabotage the RIGHT NOW person because they are likely offending the values of every other category. The proper response to this person is to ask them to pause and consider the fuller context temporarily. There is a good chance this person will save you from getting inappropriately stuck. You should find a way to tap into their sense of urgency.

Some People See Everything Through the REGULARITY Lens

The REGULARITY person prefers predictability, habit, and rhythm. They are likely the polar opposite of RIGHT NOW in that they feel most comfortable when nothing changes. When others disrupt their regular flow and impede them from taking their next planned step, they become highly agitated and will likely stop working until a new flow is properly established.

The issue for this person is familiarity. They are not impressed by improvement and are not motivated by kind words or expressions of appreciation. They do not need a reward to do what one ought to be doing in the first place. These are the people who make the world work. They find joy in working in a productive system.

No one typically has much issue with the REGULARITY person except when they fight against a much-needed change. The proper response to this person is patience and appreciation of their loyalty. They will likely re-engage in the system once you clarify the steps. They may help you avoid an inefficient system by highlighting its gaps.

Final Thoughts

When I am confused by another’s statement or action, I should first determine the lens of the offending person to understand their intent. They are likely trying to help me take a more informed step rather than trying to oppose my progress or undermine my worth. If I learn to listen, I will vastly improve my contribution to the situation at hand.

This framework can also be used in a coaching context to help your client view the world through at least three more dimensions of understanding apart from their own. I would introduce the four categories and simply ask, “How would someone with a different perspective describe your situation?”

By understanding these four lenses, I can move from feeling agitated to empowered by the natural interactions of those around me. And I can become the one who empowers others by helping them to see through the lens of others as well. My esteem grows because I stop feeling incomplete and start feeling helpful by leveraging the one or two natural inclinations of my personality.