Blog Post: Coaching a Situation That Needs Counseling

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Many years ago, my brother told me, “At some point in every person’s life, they could benefit from counseling.” That was important for me to hear. Everyone has been hurt. Everyone is stuck somewhere.

Since the need for counseling is prevalent, we are going to encounter that need in our coaching. As we build trust with a client, it may be the first issue that rises to the top. Brokenness brews and bubbles before it settles into the bones. Those bubbles of brokenness can be seen in most people I coach. If I can’t see them, I haven’t built enough trust. Sometimes the bubbles can be ignored. Sometimes they cannot. Let’s consider what a model for coaching might look like if we can’t ignore the brokenness.

First, Build Trust

Once I had a long-term client show up anxious. She could not breathe properly. She was physically uncomfortable. Her words were forced and disconnected. Something was wrong. We needed to begin the conversation by building trust.

To build trust in this situation, you need to carefully communicate what you’re observing. Trust is built by being an accurate observer and not ignoring what you see. I might say, “Something is different today,” or “You seem agitated.” I don’t want to assign meaning to what I see. I just want to communicate what I see.

This agitated client needs someone they trust to help them sort out their thoughts, feelings, and actions. We don’t know yet whether they need a counselor, but they absolutely need a coach, someone they trust, to help them clarify their circumstance. Don’t bail out. Don’t tell them that this looks like counseling not coaching, not yet. The client is unsettled by building trust, you can help them get their bearings.

Even though this client was long-term, I’ve been able to build this type of trust even with first-time clients who are expressing the same anxiousness.

Second, Listen Carefully

My first question to my anxious client was not “What do you want to talk about?” It was “What’s going on?” I used an inquisitive tone rather than an interrogative one. The client is obviously not in a state to be coached around a topic. This does not mean they can not be coached. If they were totally closed to talking to you, they wouldn’t have kept the appointment.

My client answered, “The strangest thing happened yesterday. I was in a meeting, and suddenly I felt very uncomfortable. I wanted to get out of the room and did for a minute. I knew what was happening. One person in the meeting said something that reminded me of a past event. I knew this wasn’t the same thing, but I couldn’t stop the anxious feelings.”

As she continued, I empathized with short statements (such as an empathetic “wow”) to show I was listening. As a coach, even in this situation, I don’t need to know all the details. I need to hear what is important to the client. This is not a good time for new awareness. Not yet. Just listen.

Third, Create Safety

We need to be sure our client is safe. This is still not counseling. This is coaching. Typically, we would only need safety in the coach/client relationship. But in this situation, we need to build the safety further out. I asked a few questions:

  • “Are you safe right now?”
  • “Who else needs to know about this?”
  • “What do you need immediately?”

This is our first attempt to create awareness. It isn’t broad awareness, but it is a beginning.

In my case, the uneasy client knew she needed to see a counselor. She had already reached out to one. If she had not known to see a counselor, at this point, I would have offered, “This appears to have arisen from something unresolved from your past. Often, those require counseling to heal.”

She had not considered who else in the organization should know. We tend to want to keep these things a secret, but openness is much safer. I didn’t demand that she speak to anyone but helped her consider who might need to know.

Fourth, Design Action

She still wanted to do her job. This was a time to help her think into the future. I asked, “What does tomorrow need to look like?” Avoiding the person who set off these anxieties was not a possibility. My experience has been that when provided a safe place to think, most people believe they should meet the situation head on. Without coaching, they tend to avoid difficult conversations. With coaching, they lean toward these conversations.

She thought she needed to talk to the person as soon as possible. I challenged this thought to test its veracity. She thought through the possibilities and decided that she definitely needed to talk to the person. Here is where coaching shined. We designed the action. Not just that she would talk to the person or when, but how she would talk and what she would say. She was able to test the words in a safe environment and craft them into a clear message. She thought about how to begin the conversation and position herself to feel safe.

Fifth, Build Accountability

Before I finished the call, I made sure she knew she could contact me at any time. This isn’t a requirement, and I doubted she would need to (she didn’t), but I thought it might help her continue to feel safe. We talked about who she could talk to in the organization. We talked about insuring that she would see her counselor. The accountability was tied into her safety.

Conclusion

The situation resolved quickly. As rightly so, I have no idea what happened in the counseling. I shouldn’t know. That isn’t for me, but because I coached her develop a clear plan of action, her work relationship strengthened rather than strained. Her productivity remained constant. Her anxiety did not return, at least to levels she could not handle.

At that moment, she needed a coach, and I coached her. What has been your experience coaching a situation that needs counseling?

1 thought on “Coaching a Situation That Needs Counseling”

  1. Hi Brian Miller!

    What a great topic around such a needed coaching conversation. I so appreciate the language you provide for us here Brian. I can definitely see myself using some of these questions with my clients in the future. Trust and Safety are probably two of the most important beginning pieces of any kind of coaching. I myself have not yet experienced a coaching situation that needed counseling, but I am sure grateful to have read this blog around this very topic.

    Thanks CAM!

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