People are confusing. Even to ourselves.

Performing a funeral service for a dear saint, I told his widow, “He loved you, but he did not understand you.” This is probably true for most of us, though lack of understanding can also lead to lack of loving. 

Over the years, I’ve found that there is no reason for my wife and I to both take an assessment. Whatever my results, hers is the exact opposite. It is peculiar that when we look for a mate, we tend to look for someone very different from us, then we spend the rest of our lives complaining how they are different.

So, let’s at least pause for a minute and consider why they are different.

One hundred years ago, Dr. Carl Jung, a psychiatrist, discovered that the brain has four distinct processes that help us gather information and make decisions. Everyone can use all four processes, but everyone tends to have a preference. This is what makes us different.

How we gather information:

• Sensing – Human beings have five senses that help us interpret the physical world. We take in all the details.
• Intuition – Human beings love determining meaning. We look for patterns.

How we make decisions.

• Thinking – Decisions are made logically. We look for common sense.
• Feeling – Decisions are made based on values. We protect what is important.

The Difference Between Sensing and Intuition

My wife Danelle and I go into a restaurant and sit down to order. The first thing we do is look at a menu. We gather information. One thing I know for certain is that Danelle will look at the menu for a lot longer than I will. The waitress will come and ask us if we’re ready to order. I am ready. My wife is not. 

To my surprise, she will often read every entry on the menu, even if we have been to this restaurant many times before. She doesn’t want to miss any information. She works from top to bottom. I skim. I look at the headlines. I see what is popular.

I find myself often annoyed at the time it takes to order, until I don’t. 

The waitress came to our table and took Danelle’s order. I had already decided what I wanted to eat, actually before we even got to the restaurant. I picked this restaurant because I already knew what I wanted. As a gentleman, I always let Danelle order first. 

When Danelle told the waitress what she wanted, I thought, “I didn’t even see that on the menu. That sounds really good.” When it was my turn, I said, “I’ll have the same.” And it did not disappoint!

I prefer intuition. She prefers sensing. They can both be really helpful, but they gather information in two very different ways.

The Difference Between Thinking and Feeling

The harder one for me to understand is the difference between thinking and feeling. When I hear feelings, I think happy, sad, and mad. This is not how people use feelings to make decisions. Instead, it is a consideration of more than just the desired outcome. When people process feelings, they ask who might be impacted by this decision. They ask how this decision will be interpreted based on past decisions. Feelers have a better sense of history than thinkers.

I make decisions based on thinking, what makes logical sense. My wife makes decisions based on values. Danelle considers things that would never occur to me. She wonders how her decision will affect others. She considers how it will affect past decisions. That often eludes me. 

Sometimes Danelle finds it difficult to make a decision that is unpopular. She immediately feels the disapproval of others. I don’t always know that a decision will be unpopular. At first, I may think, “I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I’m making the best decision possible.” But upon reflection, it is helpful to know how decisions will be processed by those they affect.

Great decisions are a combination of thinking and feeling, but most people prefer one over the other and are irritated by the preference of others.

Conclusion

Love is fueled by understanding. God did not create us with differences to frustrate us but to enhance us. We are better together than we are apart. God made this really clear when he declared that it was not good for the man to be alone. He made a suitable partner for him. I’m sure Adam spent his entire life trying to understand this new person that God declared “suitable.”

Remember, we are all able to use all four of the processes. Our preferences are based on our strengths. We can strengthen our weaker processes, but the quickest way to access another process is someone who is different from us. 

Embrace understanding.