I was trained to solve problems. As a kid, I was given tests and rewarded for good problem solving. In college, I studied engineering, the ultimate in problem solving. Then I became a pastor and found that ministry is a wonderland of problems. Everywhere you look, problems. It’s like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory for people who savor problems.
Then I was introduced to coaching and presented with the idea that the client is fully capable of solving their own problem. Mind blowing! Love it! Relieved! And… difficult to turn my problem-solving brain off when a problem presents itself.
The solution may be in the hands of a four-year old. Have you seen the Marshmallow Experiment? (Here is a link to the book written by the experimenter.) Four-year olds are given a marshmallow and left in a room by themselves for 15 minutes. They are told that if they don’t eat the marshmallow and instead wait until the adult returns, they will get a second marshmallow and can eat them both.
When my client presents a problem to me in the form of a coaching topic, I have the same experience as the four-year old. I want to pick it up and look at it from all sides. When I pick it up, the sugar seems to seep through my skin and into my bloodstream. I’m embarrassed when I pick the problem up and begin to sniff at it, sucking sweet sugar into my nostrils. Before I even know what happened, I find myself enamored with the problem and forgetting that the problem belongs to the client and not to me.
The Marshmallow experiment which has been repeated many times shows that on average 1 out 3 four-year olds can wait 15 minutes. Follow up studies show that these successful four-year olds grow up to be successful adults more consistently than those who eat the marshmallow right away. Coaches who wait will also be more successful. So how can we improve on our self-control?
According to this article, the successful kids use five tactics to avoid eating the marshmallow.
- Avoid the Temptation
Pretend the problem is the sun. Don’t look right at it. Avoid the appearance that you need all the details concerning the problem. You need very few. Steer the client away from regurgitating all the details, and even assure them, that the coaching process will still work even if you don’t understand every nuance of the problem.
- Distract yourself
It is helpful if the client can see the problem from another perspective. Problem solve the client rather than the problem. Figure out how to change the client’s thinking from regurgitating details to creative discovery.
- Mentally transform your temptation
Picture the problem as a seed. It contains a wonderful plant that when grown will produce a wonderful fruit. Refuse to see the problem as a problem. It is an opportunity. It is a possibility. It is fodder for creativity.
- Create an “if-then” plan
If the client asks for your solution, say, “I promise I won’t leave you hanging, but for now, let’s trust the coaching process to get you some new thinking.”
If the client can’t come up with anything, say, “You haven’t come up with anything yet, but we aren’t done yet either.”
Consider other possible scenarios and plan a specific response.
- Minimize stress
If the problem had an easy solution, the client wouldn’t have brought it. You are blessed that someone trusts you with their most difficult issues. Coaching works. Have confidence in your skills. Find joy in the challenge.
Conclusion
Problem solving must be set aside by the coach, at least long enough to let the client own the problem and discover new perspective. Perhaps the client may even discover something new about themselves through the problem. Maybe they will take on a different mindset and even approach their next problem in a healthier manner. But only if we can stop ourselves from eating that Marshmallow-y problem as soon as we lay our eyes on it!
