I don’t know if everyone has this experience, but I rarely recognize myself in the mirror.

Maybe it is because I think I should look younger. But even old pictures of me do not fully match the way I imagine myself. I recently had professional headshots taken, and people I trust say they are excellent. I just wish they looked like me. Or at least like the version of me I think I should look like.

The lesson is not that I need plastic surgery, Photoshop, or dated photos.

The lesson is that if we struggle to recognize ourselves on the outside, we should not be surprised when we struggle to recognize ourselves on the inside.

And the inside is much harder to see.

Our bodies age. They weaken. They decay. But the inner life can strengthen. We can become wiser, truer, freer, humbler, and more whole. We can become more like the people God created us to be.

But that kind of formation does not happen automatically. Formation requires time, pressure, and reflection. Time and pressure come for all of us. Reflection is the part we have to choose.

Reflection is the mirror for the inner life.

Helping someone participate in their formation is an art, but coaching basics can get us halfway there. A few good questions can shine light on the inner life and help us build on the good work God has already begun.

Here are three questions that help us see what time and pressure are forming in us.

1. What makes this situation important?

This question reveals the meaning beneath the moment.

At first, I did not see the power of this question. It seems like it might simply be asking for more information, but that has not been my experience.

Most of the time, the person has already identified their issue as something irritating, painful, or blocking their forward movement. They know something is wrong. They know something needs attention. But they have not always considered that the situation itself might be a clue to their formation.

They know it is an obstacle. They do not yet know it is a mirror.

When we ask, “What makes this situation important?” we help them look beneath the surface.

Maybe the situation matters because they feel disrespected.

Maybe it matters because they are afraid to tell the truth.

Maybe it matters because they want to become more confident.

The situation may involve another person. It may involve a difficult decision. It may involve a painful limitation. But reflection helps us see that the external situation is often revealing something internal.

This is where we may be holding a secret from the person we are coaching: the only person who can truly change in the conversation is them.

We can help them consider tactics. We can help them name obstacles. We can help them prepare for a hard conversation. But the deeper power of coaching is that the person opens themselves to transformation. They begin to see how this moment might form them into someone who looks a little more like Jesus.

When a person sees why the situation matters, they begin to see what the situation is forming in them.

2. What do you hope for in the future?

This question reveals the imagination beneath the pain.

Coaching helps people move from here to there, but many people have stopped imagining “there.” Pain has a way of shrinking our future. We stop hoping for restoration and start hoping only for relief.

“I just want to stop dreading every conversation with this person.”

That is an honest beginning. But it may not be the whole hope. With reflection, the person may begin to imagine something more.

“I want to become the kind of person who can enter this relationship with courage, clarity, and love.”

That kind of hope matters.

Christians are not promised lives of luxury, ease, or constant success. But the gospel does give us a better story than resignation. We are not abandoned to our wounds, our reactions, or our worst patterns. We are children of the King, members of Christ’s body, and recipients of immeasurable grace.

We were never meant to live permanently bent beneath the weight of a fallen world.

We are invited into the fullness of God’s Kingdom. We are judged not by the worst thing we have done, the harshest thing said about us, or the deepest fear we carry, but by the immensity of God’s grace.

That changes the way we imagine the future.

Hope does not remove the difficulty of growth. Growth is difficult because growth usually requires us to release something familiar. A defense mechanism. A false story. A posture of resentment. A need for control. A fear we have mistaken for wisdom.

But without hope, we rarely choose formation. We choose survival. Reflection helps us imagine a future that pain has made difficult to see.

3. What needs to change about you?

This question reveals the agency beneath the discomfort.

With the importance revealed and the outcome imagined, the person is ready for the harder question.

Something needs to change.

And their clearest agency is not over the other person, the circumstance, the organization, the past, or the pressure itself. Their clearest agency is over the step they choose to take.

This question can feel accusatory if we are not careful. It can sound like, “What is wrong with you?” But that is not the spirit of the question. The question is hopeful.

It assumes growth is possible. It assumes the person is not stuck. It assumes they have responsibility, but also capacity. It assumes they can participate in what God is forming in them.

This is why I love Mark 10.

The rich young man comes to Jesus asking what he must do to inherit eternal life. Before Jesus tells him what he lacks, Mark says, “Jesus looked at him and loved him.”

That order matters.

Jesus does not name what needs to change from a place of disgust, contempt, or disappointment. He looks at the man and loves him. Only inside that love does Jesus say, “One thing you lack.”

This is the environment where real formation becomes possible.

A person needs to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and uncomfortable at the same time. Safety without discomfort may never lead to growth. Discomfort without safety may simply reinforce fear. But safety and discomfort together create space for transformation.

Change expert Ronald Heifetz tells leaders to bring change at the level the organization can stand. That is a good gauge for coaching as well. The goal should be difficult but manageable.

Some people are too hard on themselves. They assume everything needs to change at once.

Others are afraid of experiencing the pain of growth. They want transformation, but only if it does not require discomfort.

A good coach helps the person calibrate the next faithful step.

The same time and pressure that once felt like obstacles can now become instruments of formation. The person begins to become truer, clearer, stronger, and more capable of bringing light into the lives of the people around them.

Not necessarily nicer. Truer. Not merely more agreeable. More whole. 

This is the aim of formation.

Conclusion

Formation is God’s priority for us. If I only had one word to describe discipleship, I might choose formation. As Max Lucado has said, “God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way.”

That is the tension of grace.

In Mark 10, the rich young man comes to Jesus asking about eternal life. Before Jesus tells him what he lacks, Mark says, “Jesus looked at him and loved him.” The call to change begins inside the love of Christ.

But the man still walks away sad. The invitation was terribly uncomfortable. And Jesus does not chase him down and force formation upon him. That should sober us.

God forms us by grace, but he does not remove our participation. We are invited to reflect, notice, respond, and take the next faithful step.

As coaches, pastors, and leaders, we spend a lot of time helping other people see themselves more clearly. But it is possible to become skilled at asking questions we refuse to answer.

So take a moment to reflect on the time and pressure in your own life.

What is this season revealing in you?

And what step do you need to take for your own formation?