Julie is a client of mine who works as an office manager in a mid-sized law firm.  (BTW, names and some details are changed to protect client confidentiality.)  In a recent coaching session, Julie brought up an issue with one of her direct reports, Pamela.  In fact, it’s an ongoing issue.  The latest manifestation of the issue involved Pamela petitioning for some special work privileges as well as new furnishings and equipment.  When Julie declined the request, Pamela became accusatory and wondered out loud, “Why do some people get treated like they are important while others of us are treated as if we don’t matter at all?”  Julie wanted to be coached on how to deal with Pamela.

A simple rule in coaching is that we can only coach the client, not the person or persons whom the client finds challenging, so our coaching immediately focused on what part of the issue Julie needed to own and what she could do.  As a strong leader, Julie accepted responsibility for the issue and declared, “It’s my job to make this right.  I can’t just expect to manage people who are easy to manage; I also have to manage people who are troublesome.”

I love it when clients look in the mirror and see personal change as the path forward instead of trying to place the blame on someone else.  However, this was one of those rare exceptions when the blame did belong with someone else.

As I helped Julie unpack the issue, I had the nagging sense that Pamela was not the typical troublesome workmate, but something far worse: a toxic colleague.  The distinction between troublesome and toxic is important.

Everyone is troublesome in some ways and at sometimes.  A person whose personality, style, or values differ from your own will create trouble for you in the form of conflict, miscommunication, and misunderstanding.  This is to be expected and to be dealt with accordingly.  As my client said, if the only people you’re good with are the easy ones, then you’re not very good.

However, some people are not simply troublesome – they are toxic.  These folks pollute whatever they touch and no level of trying on your part will change them into a healthy partner in the relationship.  How you deal with a toxic person differs greatly from how you deal with a troublesome person, so I thought it might be helpful for Julie to consider the distinction.

As coaches, we help our clients make distinctions.  Making a distinction involves noticing two similar, easily confused things and pulling them apart so the client has a better, clearer perspective on the issue at hand.

As Julie described Pamela, a few things stood out to me and piqued my curiosity as to whether Pamela might be toxic.  I knew from experience some of the common traits of toxic people:

• Toxic people are the constant across multiple manifestations of trouble. Trouble followed Pamela wherever she went because she brought the trouble with her into every situation and every relationship.
• Toxic people are never at fault. Pamela was quick to blame anyone or everyone else for her misfortune.
• Toxic people use their own values as the standard for determining right and wrong for everyone else. Pamela had her own definition of “fair” and was indignant that others didn’t measure up.
• Toxic people lack an ounce of emotional intelligence. Pamela excused her own blunt and downright rude behavior as being “honest,” yet when genuine feedback was offered to her, she became defensive.

After I invited Julie to apply the troublesome/toxic distinction to Pamela, she immediately (yet sadly) concluded that Pamela fit the toxic category.  With this important shift of perspective, the coaching conversation opened up and Julie explored options for dealing with Pamela-the-toxic as opposed to Pamela-the-troublesome.  By the end of the conversation, Julie declared, “I’ve been trying my best to somehow find the right combination to unlock Pamela’s cooperation.  It sure helps to realize that there is no right combination.”

As you coach, be open to serving your clients by helping them make distinctions and to then design actions based on the new awareness that’s created by the distinction.  Perhaps the troublesome/toxic distinction is one you can use in your own coaching.  Hopefully it’s not one you have to use in your own life!