When I was ten years old, I had to make a bookshelf to enter in the 4H fair. My father was an accomplished carpenter so I asked him for help. We went out to his workshop, and I watched as he built a beautiful bookshelf. Then he handed me a can of varnish and a brush with little to no instruction. The judges at the fair gave each entry a letter grade. I got a B. The note said, “Wonderful construction. Varnish poorly applied.”

As an adult, I asked my dad, “You did everything else on the bookshelf. Why did you have me paint it?” 

He said, “I always hated painting.”

My father did not give me the part of the project I most needed to learn. He gave me the part he least wanted to do. Leaders often make the same mistake. We help people according to our preferences, strengths, and discomforts rather than according to what will actually help them grow. 

A leader who is naturally decisive may tell everyone what to do, even when the people around them are fully capable of thinking for themselves. A relational leader may avoid giving clear instructions because they do not want to sound controlling.

A coach may ask questions when the person does not yet have enough knowledge to discover a useful answer. A supportive leader may continue encouraging someone who is ready to take full responsibility without constant reassurance.

The better question is not, “How do I like to help?”

The better question is, “What does this person need from me in this situation?”

Situational Leadership, a framework developed by Paul Hersey and Ken Blanchard, offers a useful way to think about this. The model suggests that leaders have two basic things they can provide: direction and support.

Direction means telling someone what needs to be done, explaining how to do it, establishing expectations, and providing clarity.

Support means listening, encouraging, asking questions, helping someone think, and remaining relationally present.

Different situations require different combinations of those two things.

Sometimes people need direction.

The simplest place to see this is when someone is just beginning. When someone is new to a task, they may not need to be coached. They may simply need to be told what to do.

When we planted a church, we had to set up and tear down chairs every week. There was a particular way the room needed to be arranged. The rows had a slight curve. Spacing was important. People had to be able to see, move, and sit comfortably.

A new volunteer did not need me to ask, “What arrangement feels most meaningful to you?” They needed me to say, “Start the first row here. Leave this much room between the chairs. Then build the other rows from that one.”

That is not controlling. It is clear.

Asking someone to discover an answer they have no reasonable way of knowing is not empowerment. It is frustration disguised as coaching.

There are times when telling is the most helpful thing we can do.

But people should not remain dependent on our instructions forever.

As they gain experience, their needs change. They may still need some direction, but they also need more explanation, encouragement, and context.

A task that seemed interesting the first week may become tedious by the third. A person who began with enthusiasm may start to lose energy. They may cut corners or begin to wonder why the details matter.

At that point, simply repeating the instruction may not be enough.

They may need to hear, “I know this can feel repetitive, but it matters. The way we arrange this space helps people feel welcome and allows them to participate without distraction. Thank you for paying attention to the details.”

The direction remains, but support increases. 

As people develop competence, the leader’s role must change. 

Direction begins to decrease, and the person needs more room to think, contribute, and take responsibility.  

They have experience. They understand the work. They may even see things we do not see because they are closer to the situation. What they need now is space to think. 

Instead of saying, “Here is what you should do,” we might ask, “What are you noticing?”

Instead of correcting immediately, we might ask, “What do you think is working well, and what needs to change?” 

Instead of taking the decision back, we might say, “Talk me through how you are approaching this.”

These questions do more than produce answers. They communicate trust.

They say, “You are capable of thinking about this. Your experience matters. You can take responsibility for what happens next.”

This is one of the great benefits of coaching. Coaching helps people cross the threshold from participation to ownership.

They stop merely carrying out someone else’s instructions and begin to understand the work as their own responsibility. 

They develop judgment. They become more aware of what is happening. They consider options. They make decisions. They learn from the results.

Mature people are not simply better at following instructions. They are people who are increasingly able to listen to God, exercise wisdom, accept responsibility, and respond faithfully.

Of course, this does not mean that mature people never need support. Development is not always linear. Stress, fatigue, conflict, or an unfamiliar challenge can shake someone who was previously confident. 

When that happens, we may need to move closer again. The mistake is assuming that moving closer always means taking control.

A capable person who is discouraged may not need more instructions. They may need someone to listen, ask questions, help them regain perspective, and remind them of what they already know.

At other times, the situation itself changes so dramatically that a capable person becomes a beginner again. A new responsibility may require fresh teaching and clearer direction.

That is why this kind of leadership is situational. We are not permanently classifying people as beginners, experts, confident, or uncertain. We are discerning what they need in a particular area at a particular moment.

There is a time to tell. There is a time to teach. There is a time to encourage. There is a time to coach. There is a time to step back and let someone carry the responsibility.

Situational Leadership is one of the tools that helps people grow because it keeps us from using the same response with everyone. It teaches us to pay attention, adjust, and offer the kind of help that moves a person toward greater competence, confidence, and ownership. 

This is one reason I value frameworks like Situational Leadership, which we explore in CAM 510: Coaching Leaders. Frameworks help us better recognize what people need from us.

But frameworks alone are not enough. We also need the conversational skills to listen well, ask meaningful questions, make helpful observations, and draw out what God may already be doing in another person. 

Those foundational coaching skills are at the center of CAM 501: Foundations for Christian Coaching, which I will be teaching soon.

Coaching is not always the right tool. But when a person is ready to think, take ownership, and move forward, it may be exactly the tool that helps them grow.