Presence doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s born in the tension where your life collides with someone else’s. Whether you can or cannot be present by yourself, we were not created to be alone. “Alone” was the first thing God declared “not good.” We were made to live in relationship with others who are different from us.
The space between us—that zone where presences meet—can be anything: a war zone, a love zone, a community zone, an abuse zone, a productive zone, a restorative zone, a family zone. While some of these sound more desirable than others, a good presence learns to navigate them all with clarity, strength, and grace.
People sometimes say, “I need to work on myself for a while,” but this work cannot be done in isolation. It’s like trying to get physically fit without resistance—no weights, no roads, not even your own body weight. You’re trying to get strong sitting alone in a chair.
Let’s discuss three relational pressures that shape and strengthen our presence.
When Your Presence Bumps Up Against Others
Our presence is often compared to a metaphorical cave. Our presence lives in isolation until, at some point each day, we wander into the presence of another—but not without our first dose of coffee. The presence of the other is often disruptive to ours, and that is our first notice of energy spilling out from us. These moments frequently feel threatening or alien to us, and lead to the raising of our shields if we did not arrive with shields already energized.
The opposite may happen, depending on your position. Rather than deflating your presence, the other inflates your presence. You are immediately encouraged. You are given a gift—perhaps a smile or a cup of coffee. Instead of pushing you back into your cave, where negative self-talk begins, you are drawn out and given space to contribute to the wider world.
We need both—the push and the pull. The tension of difference shapes us; the gift of encouragement sustains us. Others are different than us. We should learn as much as we can about how others function, what they value, how they prefer to contribute, and how we can communicate most effectively. We should learn to modulate our presence, tamping down our unnecessary irritants and pressing out the value we bring to every room.
When Others Press Against You
We were not created to live isolated in a cave. At the other end of the Bible from God declaring it is not good to be alone, John the Revelator tells us we are invited to live in the great city. In metaphorical terms, there is an exciting journey to a grand destination, which we take every day with the people around us. To change the metaphor, we leave the cave and enter the sailboat.
The failure and beauty of the sailboat is that it is solely reliant on the wind. There are certainly violent and destructive winds blowing through every one of our lives. And yet, it is one of my foundational Kingdom beliefs that there is always one good wind that takes us to a more secure and productive place.
Whatever the original source of these winds, we experience the winds through the presence of others. They are either inviting us or corralling us toward a particular destination. The positive of this is alignment with a greater good and an opportunity to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. The negative is a bad wind can cause us to shrink, submit, or become a lesser version of ourselves.
We need to learn to discern the winds—to notice who is shaping our direction, and whether it draws out our humanity or dampens it. Seek the winds that strengthen your identity and mission, not the ones that twist or erase them. When you find a good wind, raise your sail.
When You Press Against Others
Finally, we advance our metaphor from cave to sailboat to wind. This is the ethical call of leadership. Your presence has the power to bring alignment to others in pursuit of a greater cause. This is not just for a few. All have the ability to influence others for the better.
Our lesser selves will always try to coerce or manipulate others. Still, as we develop a healthier presence, we will learn to inspire and encourage others to give their best contributions to something loftier than ourselves. The opportunity to serve will bring out more of their humanity and allow their presence to increase as well.
I am dumbstruck when I read the first chapter of Matthew and notice two things about the coming of Jesus. One, He is not corrupted by power. The wind He puts in our sails is for the good of everyone, not just the elite few. Second, He plans to draw out His followers so they become fully mature, not blown about by every wind (Ephesians 4:14).
Leadership presence, then, is about helping others find their direction—not controlling the wind, but helping them catch it. Our task is to awaken strength in others, not demand compliance. When our presence is grounded in love and truth, we become the kind of wind others can trust to guide them forward.
Final Thoughts
You cannot be present by yourself, as strange as that might sound. Presence is an interaction that causes you to increase or decrease, that puts you on a path, or at its best, helps others onto a path. Presence is an active exercise that requires energy and intention.
When we talk about “being present,” we mean the active relationship that occurs between our presence and the presence of others. It is not good for us to be alone because being together is the sole path toward who we are ultimately meant to be. We must become a steward of that presence as it develops and as it develops those around us.
Presence is not a private exercise—it’s a shared journey. When we dare to bring our presence into the world, resisting isolation and moving toward goodness, we join God in the very work of restoration. God Himself brought His presence into the world for this exact purpose: to interact with us, restoring us to health and inviting us on a path towards goodness.
