Father Greg Boyle, founder of the largest gang-intervention, rehabilitation, and re-entry program in the world, was asked to describe humbleness. He shared a story about a man who had asked him how to reach a hardened gang member. Boyle’s response astounded me.

“For starters, stop trying to reach them. Can you be reached by them?” – Father Greg Boyle (From Clear+Vivid with Alan Alda podcast)

My head exploded. Let’s apply this to coaching.

What does it look like when I’m trying to reach a client?

• I acknowledge I’ve been in their shoes.
• I can’t stop thinking about what I want them to do.
• I narrow down where to look for action.
• I want to impress with where I’ve been or what I’m doing.
• I want the client to like me.
• I feel like any thoughts I hold back are robbing the client.

What does it look like when I’m available to be reached by a client?

• The space is safe for open sharing.
• New awareness is not judged to be good or bad.
• Respect is my response to the client’s thoughts.
• My words are based on a deep listening to what was just said.
• Healing occurs as words are fully heard.
• Planned actions are owned. They are not borrowed or rented.

Continuing his thought about reaching people on the margins, Boyle added:

“I don’t think we go to the margins to make a difference. But if you go to the margins, you’re supposed to let the folks at the margins make you different. … How does it stay about the other? … Will I allow my heart to be altered by these folks?” – Boyle

Coaching others should change us more than it changes anyone. I’ve experienced this. At the end of a coaching call, I feel like I was a witness to magic. Profound discoveries were made. Life paths angled up toward the mountain. Confidence poured into the client, flooding cavities of self-doubt. And I participated in the process.

This isn’t always the case. Too often I’ve tried to come to the rescue, whether physical, emotionally, or spiritually. I’ve tried to grant confidence onto my clients. I’ve tried to give them the benefit of my experience. I’ve tried to relieve them of the stress of difficult decisions. These experiences never leave me feeling good. They leave me frustrated.

How can I get more of magic and less frustration?

Near the end of Alda’s conversation with Boyle, Alda asks about empathy. Boyle responds:

“The word I use is awe. … Awe is the opposite of judgment. So awe keeps you tender and attentive, keeps you delighting in the person in front of you, keeps you aware of what the other has gone through. The opposite of that is ‘You know what this guy’s problem is?’” – Boyle

Awe is how God sees us. God rarely tells me what I ought to stop doing. Sometimes, but rare. Instead God often tells me what actions would bring delight. I’m invited forward, not pulled or pushed.

Why should my presence as a coach be any different?

Humbleness comes when I am willing to be reached. It allows me to see the magic of being present. It invites me to see others as fully human, full of potential.

Humbleness is not our default position. We must purposely move into a humble posture. It’s not a switch that can be flipped. It’s a state that must be nurtured. It’s a practice that must be established. It is the power that has empowered the change of an entire community. Let’s allow humbleness to change our clients.

(If you haven’t seen Father Boyle’s Ted Talk, it is must-see.)