Okay, so the title of this blogpost is kind of tongue-in-cheek. Coaches don’t tell their clients what they need. If you’re doing much of that you’re probably not a very good coach. That said, coaches do offer clients tools to help them achieve the life they want and the goals they desire. Two of the most powerful tools are standards and boundaries.

A standard is an expectation I have for myself. Standards are the personal behaviors and practices that I choose to adhere to in order to get the most out of life. People have standards in many areas of life, including:

• Hygiene – how often you brush your teeth, shower, etc.?
•  Fitness – what expectation do you have for exercise, strength, flexibility, etc.?
•  Dress and appearance – how do you prefer to look when going out (or even staying home)?
•  Punctuality – what’s it mean to be on time or late?
•  Language and communication – what words and tone do you choose to use and not use?
•  Food – what sorts of foods are you willing/unwilling to consume?
•  Driving – how much over the speed limit do you consider okay?
•  Alcohol – what’s your personal limit?
•  Media – what sorts of books, TV, music, movies and internet entertainment do you choose to engage or avoid?

Many of your coaching clients have standards that are implicit. That is, the client isn’t consciously aware of a particular standard and they didn’t consciously choose the standard. When standards haven’t been examined, they are often too low or too high. I have one client who dresses rather sloppily. When he was promoted from a production role to a supervisory role, he forgot to tell his wardrobe. He continued to wear the clothes of a front-line employee and wondered why he wasn’t being treated with respect. When he chose to raise his standards and dress to his new role, he began to act differently and be treated differently.

Boundaries are expectations I have for others. Boundaries protect me and allow me to be my best. Boundaries include what I allow others to do around me or to me. While we certainly cannot control other people (nor should we try!), we can set limits on what we allow ourselves to experience.

Without proper boundaries, we give up one of the essential characteristics of what it means to be human: autonomy. Autonomy is the healthy combination of freedom and responsibility. But when we allow others to control us, we abdicate our responsibility and lose our freedom. We need healthy boundaries in many areas of life, including:

•  Accessibility – how late will you be available for work-related matters?
•  Sacred time – what will you allow to interrupt dinner, your quiet time, or a date with your spouse?
•  Personal space – how close is too close?
•  Physical contact – what are your limits on hugs, touches, and physical gestures?
•  Verbal conflict – when does a conflict become verbal abuse?
•  Toxic talk – how much gossip or other types of negative conversation will you tolerate?

Some of my clients are surprised to know that just because someone wants to (fill in the blank) doesn’t mean my client has to allow them to (fill in the blank). One client was relieved to admit that just because her boss wanted to hug her in public didn’t mean she had to let him. Another client realized that just because his co-worker wanted to complain about her spouse didn’t mean he had to stand there, listen and waste company time while being pumped full of negative talk. Each of these clients needed to establish and enforce a boundary to offer protection from harmful and unwelcomed intrusions.

Coaches can introduce standards and/or boundaries. We don’t have to wait for our client to declare, “I need a standard!” Instead, we can often spot the occasion when a standard or boundary would serve our client and inquire accordingly. We don’t have to direct our client as to what the specific standard/boundary needs to be; instead, we can simply ask and be curious as the client explores.

Here’s one realization that helped me employ standards/boundaries more effectively in my coaching: my clients already have standards/boundaries to some degree. My client who was cringing with every hug from her boss had a boundary that was being crossed because it was not being enforced. My client who dressed below his paygrade had a standard that wasn’t working for him. While your clients may not use the word standard or boundary, they cannot escape the fact that these concepts are a part of every person’s life.