“Choices have to be made.”

This was the response my friend Nick texted back to me of the picture I took walking through the grocery store recently. I had walked by the toilet paper aisle and it was empty – except for two rolls of paper towels and – wait for it – a case of Coors beer. Choices were made.

No doubt we are living in some crazy times with the COVID-19 virus radically impacting our lives. Much of the response is out of fear.

When the person you are coaching is in a state of fear, there are only three options for them: fight, flee, freeze. If you keep this in mind, it can help make sense of the decisions people are making right now.

– Hoarding toilet paper is not a rational decision, it is a fear response.
– Buying all the cleaning wipes at the store is not a rational decision, it is a fear response.

It is important to know our fear response is not a weakness, it is the way God created and designed us for survival. But like all things, too much of a good thing doesn’t benefit us much in the end.

Fear is a stress response. High levels and prevailing levels of stress shut down our executive function (the rational, reasoning activity) in the brain found in the prefrontal cortex. Under stress, our brain keeps it really simple and focuses on only 3 things: how do I eliminate this threat (fight), how do I get away from this bad thing (flee), how do I…what was I thinking????…what do I do????….(freeze).

Moving Beyond Fear

How do you coach someone who is struggling with fear if they are in survival mode? This is very important to understand because what we are going through now is temporary – we’re not going to be in this forever – but challenges and the stress it causes is the staple of great coaching conversations.

Here are three things you must master to be a great coach to others when facing fear.

Have empathy and compassion.

Going through hard things is…hard. Even if it might not seem hard for you personally, the person you are coaching is struggling. It is important to recognize, acknowledge and legitimize their struggle. You are their partner in this journey and, although it isn’t your job to “fix it”, you are supposed to walk with them in it. Here are some phrases that communicate empathy – “Wow. That is a really challenging situation. I can see how hard it is for you.” “I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. You are being really courageous taking this head-on.”

Name it to control it.

I’ve done a lot of work on the nature of our emotions and how our brain is wired around our emotional self. One of the very simple yet powerful things I have learned is the importance of accurately naming our emotions. When we are able to name what we are feeling, we gain control over the emotion versus it controlling us. There is actually a neurological shift that happens by accurately naming an emotion.

Fear is a very general term. It could mean terrified, agitated, restless, confused, nervous, embarrassed as well as a number of other things. The general state of unease that stress and fear bring is paralyzing to our thinking and our actions.

As a coach, our job is to help the client create clarity around what they are actually stressed about. I want you to think in the terms of granularity – as in grains of sand. Help your client get as specific as possible about what they are up against – find the grain of sand that passes through the hourglass. Here are some examples of questions.

– What are you afraid of? What makes that so challenging?
– What’s the worst that can/will happen? What is the most likely thing to happen?
– Name the emotion behind your fear – be specific. Where does that fear/emotion come from?
– Whose voice are you hearing with that fear?

“What if…?”

I was doing a coaching demonstration recently during my Coaching and the Brain course. I asked a question that encouraged the client to think optimistically about what the future could be. Immediately and subconsciously the client looked up and to the left as they thought about it. It was so awesome to see this physical response that was mirroring a neurological shift taking place! Optimism gives the brain permission to focus on a goal. Goals are future-oriented and they engage the Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) which is in the front left of your brain.

Asking questions that will engage your client’s optimism and hope for the future will move them away from their fear-driven thinking to future-oriented goal-centered thinking. Here are some questions that will make that shift:

– Where do you want to end up?
– Picture yourself in the best possible future, what would it look like?
– What if the best happened to you? How would you feel? What would you do? How would you get there?
– What would be a win in this situation?

Focus on these three things: Empathy, Clarity, Optimism. You will help people make amazing shifts.

Most people who quote Jeremiah 29:11 forget that the recipients of the promise were people living in exile – they weren’t where they wanted to be. It is a hopeful truth in a hard time.

Coaches, there has never been a better time for you to be fully present and fully engaged than right now. You have what it takes to lead people to see a hopeful future. Press forward. Lean into Jesus. Remember, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT)