Jill came into our coaching session exhausted and a bit confused. She described her situation in no uncertain terms: “My co-worker is wearing me out!” When we explored the issue a bit further, it turned out that Jill’s co-worker was intruding into Jill’s mental space. Jill did not care about politics, but her co-worker did. And her co-worker wanted Jill to care, too!
Jill was experiencing a boundary problem. In their classic book Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe boundaries as limits that help us keep out the bad and let in the good. Jill was having trouble keeping out the bad. She did not care about politics. She did not want to care about politics. She wanted political concerns to stay out. But her co-worker insisted on Jill knowing, caring, and being concerned about politics. Ugh!
Imagine a neighbor who comes into your yard and builds a firepit on your property without your permission. Maybe you like firepits, so, instead, imagine a koi pond, or a windmill, or a miniature replica of the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse (yes, someone in my town has one of those). Such a disregard for property rights would not only be rude, but probably illegal. And yet, a very similar thing happens with personal boundaries all the time.
When we are bad with boundaries, we create problems. And it behooves coaches to be familiar with these problems so we can support our clients in setting and enforcing proper boundaries. Cloud and Townsend name four boundary problems.
“I Can’t Say No” – the Compliant
The Compliant person feels guilty and/or controlled by others. They struggle to set boundaries and may even struggle to recognize when a boundary is needed. Jill didn’t feel guilty, but she did feel controlled by her co-worker. Yet, Jill had never voiced her concern to her co-worker. In other words, she’d never said, “No” to the intrusion.
I have a friend who feels guilty saying “No.” Anytime someone needs something, wants something, or even demands something, he complies because doing otherwise would lead him to criticize himself and feel guilty for not being more charitable. As you can imagine, he gets taken advantage of a lot. (Not by me. Never!).
“I Can’t Hear No” – the Controller
The Controller person refuses to recognize or honor the boundaries of others. They can be aggressive and/or manipulative in violating boundaries, but to them, their behavior seems reasonable or even normal. As described by Jill, her co-worker qualifies as a Controller because she doesn’t respect the fact that her own opinions and concerns do not need to be the norm for the rest of humanity.
Controllers often fail to recognize, let alone respect, the mental, physical, emotional, or time boundaries of others. During a workshop I taught on boundaries a few years back, one participant complained that people often wanted to touch her hair, which was in an afro style that would make Diana Ross jealous. Her co-worker, who was also in the workshop, responded, “Oh, but your hair is so beautiful! When I touch it, it’s a compliment.” To which the first participant deadpanned, “Really? Well, what if some guy thinks your breasts are beautiful, can they just walk up and touch them?” It took that level of directness to get through to the Controller, who just could not imagine the error in touching someone who did not want to be touched.
“I Can’t Say Yes” – The Nonresponsive
Sometimes people need our attention, our support, our help, or just our presence. Nonresponsive people create problems because they overdo boundaries in such a way as to prevent anyone from getting anything from them. As Cloud and Townsend share, we all have “a responsibility to love,” but the Nonresponsive person shirks this responsibility.
A big challenge I’ve seen with some of my clients comes in determining who sets the criteria for a healthy boundary vs. shirking the responsibility to love. Of course, needy and controlling people always want “more,” and Nonresponsive persons always want to give much less, so who’s right? One rule of thumb is that we are not responsible for another person’s emotional well-being, but we often are responsible to them. (p. 60)
“I Can’t Hear Yes” – The Avoidant
Boundaries help regulate the giving and receiving of care between people. Avoidant people struggle to receive care. They don’t let people in. The gate in their fence is locked from the inside. Sometimes this boundary problem stems from an attempt to prevent being seen as “needy.” The Avoidant person doesn’t speak up, request help, or, depending on the severity of the problem, even accept help that is offered.
My friend Charles is an Avoidant. At work, he takes responsibility and is committed to getting things done. In that regard, he is a model employee. His boss and several co-workers see that Charles’s plate is full, and most of the time they ignore him as he struggles. Charles doesn’t ask for help, and they don’t offer. The result is Charles suffers in isolation, overworked and unsure anyone really cares. One might be tempted to blame his co-workers, but they contribute far less to the problem compared to Charles. It’s Charles’s avoidant behavior that is the problem.
Take a look around and you’ll see plenty of boundary problems in your own life as well as with the clients you serve. So, what’s the solution? As you might have guessed: boundaries.
How do we help our clients leverage boundaries? Here are three ways.
First, teach them the concept. It’s hard to take advantage of something you don’t know about. As coaches, we are naturally attracted to concepts such as boundaries, which can lull us into thinking that everyone else has our level of awareness. They do not.
Coaches can teach. It’s not the main thing we do with clients, but it is one thing we do. When I shared the concept of boundaries with my client Jill (the one with the overly political co-worker), her energy changed from that of a victim to that of a creator. It’s like she was given permission to cease being a Compliant and to close the gate on her Controller co-worker. But Jill was not going to invent the concept of boundaries on her own, nor was she going to find the concept somewhere in her mental file drawer of helpful concepts. I needed to bring it up, so I did.
Second, we can help our clients customize the concept to their situation. Simply knowing about boundaries is not enough. The general principle makes sense, but it’s useless if the client doesn’t have a plan for putting the principle into practice.
Jill loved the idea of boundaries, but the application was much more challenging for her. After all, she has a lifetime of being Compliant in many of her relationships. But the situation with her political co-worker gave her a specific instance in which to apply and begin to master the use of boundaries. We came up with a plan by role-playing and considering various scenarios for how the boundary setting would happen.
I’ve learned that boundaries require three actions. One has to acknowledge the legitimate need and purpose of the boundary in their own mind and heart. Next, one has to communicate the boundary to those involved. Finally, one has to enforce and reinforce the boundary as needed. Boundaries require work, but the rewards are worth the work.
Third, it’s helpful to provide some level of accountability and support as a client learns to employ the power of boundaries in their life. Change is hard, and support helps.
While boundaries is an easy-to-understand concept, it often proves to be hard to practice.
Jill decided to communicate her boundary with her co-worker by kindly asking her not to talk politics. Jill landed on the phrase, “I’m not interested; I don’t like politics; I don’t want to be a part of those conversations.” But her decision led to zero change.
When I asked her about it in our next coaching session, she admitted that she chickened out. I asked her if it was still important and if she wanted to make the change or remain the Compliant companion of her Controller co-worker. She wanted to make the change. So she re-committed and, this time, she followed through. I asked her to text me when she declared the boundary to her co-worker. Just a simple, “I did it.” I think this basic level of support proved to be a big difference-maker.
Jill’s co-worker has needed regular reminders to not talk politics. Good fences need tending and mending. Not only has the boundary helped that relationship, but Jill has found many other applications of boundaries. That first victory got the ball rolling, and now Jill has become a bit of boundaries beast, employing boundaries at work, at home, in her church relationships, and with extended family.
As coaches, we help people live richer, more full lives. Boundaries help people flourish, and that’s what it’s all about!
