A while back my 20-year-old son was in our kitchen making a smoothie.  Lots of frozen fruit was involved.  He poured in some fancy oat milk or goat milk or something of that nature.  Some protein powder and ice found their way into the mix.  After a high-decibel moment of blending, he poured the smoothie into a cup and then… accidentally knocked it off the counter.

In what seemed like a slow-motion eternity, I watched his colorful cupful of nutrition find its way onto the floor, cabinet doors, appliances, and pretty much everywhere.  I think smoothie somehow found its way onto the kitchen ceiling and even the dog’s tail.

What happened next is what really stuck with me.  My son stood there for a few seconds, said something along the lines of, “Well, dang,” and then started cleaning it up.  If ever there were an occasion for frustration, or anger, or even self-blame, this was it.  And maybe I expected a negatively charged reaction from him because that has been his modus operandi for many years.  But in this very challenging circumstance, he did not get unnecessarily emotional.  He just stoically observed what had happened and then got to work doing what was necessary.  In that moment, I saw a new level of maturity in him in that he was non-anxious.

Mature, healthy people have a non-anxious presence.

When the smoothie hits the floor (or you-know-what hits the fan), a person’s level of carried anxiety gets revealed.  What do I mean by “carried anxiety”?   Each of us lives with a certain amount of anxiety that is not really circumstance-specific.  It’s anxiety we bring to a situation, any situation.

Anxiety is not helpful.  Psychologist B.F. Skinner described anxiety not as a specific emotion but as “a set of emotional predispositions linked to stimuli consistently preceding strong negative reinforcement.”  In other words, when we are anxious, we emotionally react and overreact to what’s happening.

Anxious people are easily stirred by circumstances and they, in turn, do a lot of stirring.  When the smoothie hits the floor, an anxious person might react with hysteria, fear, dread, overwhelm, or any number of negative emotions.  Such emotional reactions add to the instability of the system, making anxiety more likely and bringing forth additional strong emotions from self and others.

One harm with anxiety is that it dulls the intellect.  We humans cannot do our best thinking when we are emotionally hijacked.  Strong feelings fog the brain, limiting our mental resources when we need them the most.  My son needed to think about how best to clean up the mess, something he would not have been capable of doing had he been overwhelmed with fight, flight, freeze, or flop reaction.  Granted, the level of clear thinking needed to clean up a smoothie spill is not equal to that needed in more challenging circumstances, but the principle remains the same: a non-anxious person is more capable of tapping into their resources when faced with a crisis.

Another harm of anxiety is the opportunity cost when it comes to our power of focus.  When we are in an anxious state, we focus on things that bring a near-zero return on investment.  Focus is a limited and valuable resource; wasting it is not a good idea.

I recently had a client who needed to stop doing business with a customer who was no longer a good fit.  Ending the relationship was rather transactional, but because my client was in a heightened state of anxiety, he fretted over the “what-ifs” way more than he needed.  While his thoughts and feelings were focused on anxiety-fueled speculation, they were not focused on gaining new customers, caring for quality customers, and taking care of his sales team – all things that would provide a much higher return on the investment of his focus.

A third harm of anxiety is that it misleads us into having a sense that we’ve done something positive and productive.  High emotions that are catalyzed by anxiety burn a lot of calories.  Strong feelings can wear us out, not just emotionally, but mentally, physically, and relationally.  This expense of energy can dupe us into believing we have worked constructively.  After all, we’re tired, so we must have done good work.  Right?  Wrong!

As one of my clients recently confessed, “Feeling is a poor substitute for working.”  He had been emotionally hijacked after an innocent snub from his business partner landed in the middle of his anxiety minefield.  For days, he was upset, frustrated, worried, and downright angry with his business partner.  Rather than doing something productive and solution-focused, he had expended enormous energy feeling strongly about the situation.  By the time he was exhausted, he came to the sad realization that all those strong emotions had produced zero fruit.

Had my client been in a less anxiety-laden state, his business partner’s snub would have stirred an appropriate level of emotional response.  He probably would have been confused and curious and then checked in with his business partner.  After all, it’s much more likely we will have a productive conversation when we’re in a place of curiosity than in a place of anger.

My client learned that anxiety transforms normally helpful emotions into very unhelpful ones.  Even negative emotions are designed to prompt us to take action, but when we are overwhelmed with strong emotions, we are far less likely to act.  A conversation that might be mildly unpleasant when we are in a state of curiosity feels practically life-threatening when we are filled with high amounts of fear, anger, and frustration.

So what’s a professional coach to do with anxiety?  Three things.

First, we must work to keep our own anxiety in check.  Our clients benefit greatly from our non-anxious presence.  Very often our clients come into the session and metaphorically spill a smoothie.  They vent.  They complain.  They describe.  They might even wallow.  If we’re a non-anxious presence, we are far less likely to react to the situation they are stirring during the coaching session.

Second, we can help our clients distinguish ordinary emotions from anxiety-heightened emotions.  It’s helpful to invite the client to explore their own state of anxiety apart from the particular circumstance that is stirring a strong emotion.  Self-awareness regarding their anxiety can help right-size the emotions and the reality of the situation.

Third, we can support our clients in not only recognizing their carried anxiety but also in reducing it.  Carried anxiety is an unnecessary burden, and there are tools and strategies that can help lighten the load. In his recent book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, author John Delony shares simple strategies that provide meaningful impact, including sleep, connecting with others, and cutting back on coffee (ouch!).

My goal as a coach is to help each of my clients experience a richer life and become a better person.  Anxiety stymies both of these.  Smoothies will hit the floor in every life, but when we are mature, healthy, well-adjusted people, we can handle such experiences with grace and resolve.